Convos With My Kid

My child has been a particular brand of awful lately.

When people ask me how she is, I generally say that she's being an asshole.  Really, I tell people that if I used the "c" word, I'd call her that....because that's really what she's acting like.

She's throwing fits over the dumbest thing..and I mean fits...hitting, kicking, screaming, crying fits.

She acts as though she literally can't hear me when I (or anybody else for that matter) speaks to her.

She is deliberately not listening and doing the exact opposite of everything I say.

She refuses to do anything for herself, including getting her self dressed, getting herself covered, finding a stuffed animal, or going back downstairs to get Giraffe off the couch.

She's up my ass every second of the day...."but momma, I want to be with you!"

She doesn't know about our surprise trip to Disney and she sure as HELL doesn't deserve it because she's acting like a little shit.

She's killing me.

That being said....

A Lesson on Stand Mixers and Cake Batter
A:  Mommy, I want to turn on the mixer [to mix the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients].
M:  Not this time, baby.  We don't want it turned on too high to start with.
A:  Because it'll make a mess?
M:  That's right.
A:  Mommy, mixers and chocolate batter are like mud bogs...they just make a big mess and get chocolate all over the place like mud!
M:  Yep, they are kind of like mud bogs!
A:  No mommy...not mud bogs.....mud volcanoes!  Underwater mud volcanoes! They come up from the earth's crust and explode underwater and get mud everywhere.
M: Oh. I thought you said 'mud bog'.
A:  No.


A Lesson on Career Choices
A:  Mommy, what can I be when I grow up?
M:  Well baby, if you work at it hard enough, you can be anything you want to be.
A:  But what should I be?
M:  You like animals and you like to learn about them, maybe you could be a biologist or a zoologist or a veterinarian.
A:  What's a bologist and zologist (she couldn't pronounce it)?
M:  A biologist studies all different kinds of living things, such as animals and plants and cells and a zoologist studies just animals.
A:  Oh! Is there a college for that?
M:  Yes baby, there sure is.
A:  What else can I do?
M:  Well, you could be a researcher.
A:  What do they do?
M:  They spend their entire career learning about things.  Such as spending time outside with monkeys to learn about monkeys.  They watch them and study their habits so that they can better understand them.
A:  I know what I'll be!  I'll be an animal watcher!  I'll sit out in the woods or the jungle and watch animals all day long and learn about them!
M:  So you want to be a researcher?
A:  No, an animal watcher.  Is there a college for THAT?
M:  I'm sure you'll find one, dear...


Several Lessons on What Mommy Doesn't Know
A:  Mommy, did you know that termites eat grass?
M:  No baby, they eat wood.
A:  No mommy, they eat grass.
M:  Um, no, they eat wood.
A:  Not the ones on the African savanna.  They eat grass.
M:  No they don't! All termites eat wood! Let's look it up!
(Mom googled it because we were at her house)
....."Some termites located on the African savanna eat grass..."
A:  See!
M:  Shit.

A:  Mommy, did you know that sharks are endangered?
M:  Yes I did.  Some people catch sharks just for their fins and a shark can't live without fins.
A:  Did you know that eagles are endangered?
M:  Yes, I think I knew that.  But I don't know if they still are...
A:  Yes mommy, they are.  Did you know that Tasmanian tigers are extinct just like dinosaurs?
M:  No, I didn't know there was such a thing.  Did you know that the black rhinocerus was the most recent animal to be officially declared as extinct?
A:  Nope.  What other extinct and endangered animals do you know?
M:  Um....I know about the dodo bird and dinosaurs and the black rhino...
A:  Do you need to look some up so we can talk about them later?
M:  Yes...

A:  Mommy, did you know that there's a snake in the dessert called a diamondback rattlesnake?  It uses it's tail to make noise like a rattle when it's scared.
M:  Yes, I did know that.  Did you know we have a rattlesnake here in Georgia, too?
A:  NO! What's it called and what does it do?
M:  It's called a timber rattlesnake and it does the same thing...shakes it's tale when it is scared.
A:  Show me a picture on your phone!
A:  Shoe me some more pictures of snakes!
A:  Oh, that one is venomous! (yes, she said 'venomous' and not 'poisonous')
M:  It is!  How did you know that?
A:  The shape of it's pupil (yes, she said 'pupil' and not just 'eye').  If it's straight up and down, it's venomous.  If it's a good circle, it's not.
M:  Wow.  That's right.
A:  Show me some more, I'll tell you if they're poisonous!
M:  Here's one....
A:  Venomous!  What kind is it?
M:  A viper.
A:  Show me some more!  Show me a green snake!
...I showed her a green tree boa because it was the only green snake I could think of...
A:  Show me another green snake!
M:  I don't think I know any more green snakes....
A:  That's OK...you can look some up and show me tomorrow.
M:  Gee thanks.

Thank you, Wild Kratts, for teaching my kid that she's smarter than me.


A Lesson on Whale Anatomy
A:  Mommy, did you know that whales don't poop?
M:  Really?  No, I didn't know that.
A:  Yeah, they can't, because they don't have a butt.
M:  Oh, ok.
A:  They don't have giannas (her version of vagina) or penises, either.
M:  Um, are you sure about that honey?  Most every animal has one or the other.
A:  No mommy, not whales.
M:  Well, how do you know?
A:  Because you can't see them.
M:  Well how do boy whales and girl whales make babies if they don't have them?
A:  Fine mom...maybe they have them...but they're hidden very well!

Have a good weekend, folks and I'll check back with y'all later!