Up and Down

October 7, 2014 - Cycle 1, Week 1, Day 2
Dave decided to drive himself today as he felt well after treatment yesterday and felt well this morning.  I agreed it was a good idea, but told him to call me if he needed me.  Truth be told, I expected him to call me around lunch to bring him food as he's not allowed to leave the floor once the chemo is dripping.  But he said he wasn't very hungry at lunch time and opted out of lunch.

After treatment, he drove around a bit before going home to get some things done.  He said he felt GREAT! Which, obviously, was good to hear.

Today he noticed the metallic taste attributed with chemo (because, fun fact, some chemo medicines are made from metal).

I remember he ate dinner well and went to bed at a regular time.

During the night, he woke up telling me he wasn't feeling good and that he thought it best if he took a phenegran.  He also said that he thought it would be a good idea if I drove him to and from treatment tomorrow.  Before falling back asleep, he asked me if he was remembering correctly....that neuropathy was one of the symptoms.  It was, and he was feeling it.  OK, no big deal....

October 8, 2014 - Cycle 1, Week 1, Day 3
Today was NOT a good day!

He had a hard time getting out of bed.  Of course, the phenegran in the middle of the night was still working...but he also had a sense of extreme body fatigue, not just tiredness.  After he finally did get out of bed, he made a comment "My arms are so tired and heavy...it feels like I've been working out all night long."  Well that's interesting.

Today he noticed a reddish tint to his skin, which is apparently a noted side effect of Etoposide.  I didn't really see it, but it's not my skin.

He did not want to stop and get breakfast on his way to treatment today as he just wasn't feeling up to it (even though he's supposed to eat before going).

I picked him up right after treatment and we went straight home after getting Aria (our 3 1/2 year old who has no understanding of this whatsoever).  Dave was already feeling lousy.  He said that he had slept through his entire treatment, but still felt like he was exhausted.  And he was slightly queasy.

He didn't eat much for dinner (just toast and grape jelly) and went to bed early....like 730.  Then the emotions started running rampant.

Dave's depression regarding this whole ordeal hit a low point on this day.  There were tears, words of inadequacy, fears of resentment, and just a general weak spirit.  Truth be told...I don't really know what to do in these types of situations.  While I'm a very compassionate person, I don't know how to console somebody when they're like this.  I'm more of a "put your big boy panties on and deal with it" type of person. I don't coddle.  I'm not going hold your head in my lap and tell you that everything will be alright.  I'm going to tell you to be strong...I'm going to tell you that we can't do anything but try to move on.  I'm not going to say "oh sweet baby, here, let me make you something to eat and let you curl up in my lap while I rock you and we wallow together in your pity party."  See...right there...I don't even know how to fake it! You can't tell somebody they're having a pity party if you're trying to be consoling! I'm just no good at it.  It's a life-skill I never learned.  Maybe it's because I am a strong, independent woman and I expect other adults to be the same way.  I don't know.  So obviously I was feeling uncomfortable in this moment. I spooned with him for a bit and rubbed his back until he calmed down, but didn't offer many words of encouragement for fear of sounding harsh, or like I don't care, or like "I just don't understand."

Finally, I left out of there, and Dave slept.

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