Some Truth 2.0

A while back I posted an entry called "Some Truth".  I feel like it's time to add some more to that :)

1.  When I cook or bake, and it doesn't come out right (whether it be my fault or the stupid recipe's fault because the idiot posting the cookie recipe doesn't know that her oven runs 50° hotter than a normal oven), I get stupid upset.  I mean, I get mad...and then I feel bad that whatever I made didn't turn out right and I feel like I'm serving nothing but crap to my family.  The time I remember the most was when I was making a cheesecake for family Thanksgiving (or maybe Christmas) and it cracked...not just a crack...but a never-ending canyon formed in the middle of my cheesecake.  I leaned against the counter crying while Dave went out to Kroger to get me more ingredients.  I'm not sure I've even attempted to make cheesecake since this incident.

2.  The summer before my Junior year of high school I got super-serious about my body because, in my opinion, I was not only the heaviest person in my ballet class, but was also the heaviest among my friends.  My self-image was apparently at an all-time low and I decided to do something about it.  Every night I spent hours doing sit-ups and crunches in my room.  I kept a notebook that detailed how many of each I did.  I remember doing over 100 sit-ups a night (yes, I used to be able to do that) and doing 200+ crunches.  I wasn't satisfied if my overall number was less than 300.  I also remember lying on the floor on my back and resting a ruler across my pelvis.  My goal:  to have that ruler touch my pelvic bones before touching the fat in the middle.  I remember I accomplished my goal, but still felt dissatisfied with myself...and that feeling has never gone away (but obviously I can't touch a ruler to my hip bones anymore).

3.  There's a trend among people from my generation (and subsequent generations) about only doing the bare minimum to get a job done.  That does NOT apply to me.  I've never just done the bare minimum (except maybe with housework).  When I do a task, I want it done efficiently, effectively, and, above all, correct!  If I do something, I take ownership of it.  I'm doing it, my name is on it, and I care about what that name means.  I don't want it to be associated with "lazy" or "half-assed".  I want that name to be associated with hard work and, when possible, perfection!  I take pride in what I do...whether it be a task at work, a task at home, or even just cooking dinner.  And yes, I LIKE to get a gold star on my projects!  Tell me my dinner is good!  Tell me I did a great job!  I don't need to hear thank-you's, just tell me I did well.  I love to hear it!

4.  I'm totally one of those women who expects my husband to be a mind reader. I expect him to see things through my eyes.  If I see something needs to be done, I expect him to see that same thing and to go ahead and get it done.  If I'm upset, I expect him to know why I'm upset without me having to tell him.  I mean, he knows what he did....right?

5.  I'm so terrified of not having enough money to pay for the bills (even though we totally have it) that I absolutely hate to spend money, even on necessities.  And because of that, I almost NEVER buy anything for myself.  I have ONE pair of work pants.  That's right, one.  I have ONE pair of jeans that currently fit.  I have exactly FIVE shirts that I wear to work.  I have ONE pair of shoes that I wear to work and I have ONE pair of flops that I wear when I'm not at work.  One reason for this is that fat girl clothes cost so much more than regular people clothes.  I can't just go to Target and buy a cute little $10 shirt.  I can't just go to Old Navy and buy $20 pants.  I have to go to fat people stores where jeans cost $50+, shirts for work are $20+.  And as many times as I've gone looking for clothes at TJMaxx / Marshall's / Ross, it's apparent that their buyers only buy fat peoples for old ladies.  So I don't go shopping for myself for clothes because a work-acceptable outfit will cost at least $70.  That's stupid.  I don't buy other things for myself (like the Cuisinart Griddler that was on sale at Costco for $49.99 this weekend that I've been wanting since we registered for our wedding) because I can't justify spending money on something I don't absolutely NEED.  I spent $9 on some more silicone measuring spoons and then felt bad about it because really I didn't NEED new ones...my broken teaspoon would still be find for dropping cookie dough.  I get buyers remorse with everything...even groceries.  It's ridiculous, I know.  The only thing I spend money on without a care in the world is books...and lets be honest, I totally don't NEED any more books!

So there you are, five more truth's about me :)

Today I'm spending my day with a fresh-ish bouquet of blush pink peonies on my desk at work that I bought for myself at Kroger yesterday.  I told Dave they were from him because he never got me peonies for Mother's Day like I wanted.  But, of course, he wouldn't have known that because I didn't tell him beforehand that I wanted pink peonies...I expected him to know this already.